5 more days.

It was a really dull day yesterday. Catching up on my well-needed sleep and then dinner with my mum together with my brothers made me feel like a bum. Why, I couldn't even go for my run as it was raining cats and dogs. Drat the rain. The florescent lighting in my room definitely does not give me any kind of tan (nor Vitamin E for that matter). Sadly, my dark hair accentuates my pallor, making me look even more anemic than usual. Sigh. Rain, please go away.

Photos credited to Ann He

Depressive state aside, my interest was piqued with the news of Japanese dearth of young children/adults and basically the idea of marriage in the young adults in general. The effects of Japan's once lauded seniority-based pay and the generalist view on education and work has shown its horns now especially with the problems of brain drain and increasing number of 'freeters'. Almost half of the university graduates could not obtain nor secure a permanent job due to the delayed career progression and lack of recognition of efforts by higher management. As such, many survive by doing part-time jobs that does not require them to pay much to the pension fund.

As perplexing is Japan's problems of the aging population coupled with the population dearth, I find that the main problem lies in its inherent conformist culture. With my mum being Japanese, she herself does not want to stand out and prefers to blend in the crowd. She worries about what others think, sometimes to her own detriment. If I may say so, I think it is just the fear of being different and fear of change. Conforming too much to others' needs and preferences will just lead to a situation where everything will reach a plateau, isn't it? Constantly changing political leaders (Let's see how long the Kan administration lasts), a penchant for hanging on to their past legacy and successes and fear of drastic change. I worry for the outcome of their flimsy economic policies as half of my family is there. If only there are people in that society who can break the political and social boundaries and implement the changes no matter how taboo they are in that conformist society can Japan be the superpower it was before.

How is Rome? Even though you are a walking human heater, do remember to keep yourself warm and enjoy the picturesque sights for me there, alright? At least you can bring me to the best places when we can go there together someday. :)

It is the first time I felt as though I didn't want to meet up with anyone today. Especially him. I didn't know how looking at his past pictures with girls and especially those with his past partner could sting this supposedly hardy heart. It is supposed to be omnipotent, invincible and impregnable. Cause I said so. However, I couldn't help getting mad and I don't know why. Mad because I lost out during those years? Mad because his heart belonged to someone else other than me? During the time of trying to rationalize these thoughts, I thought to myself, I must be mad (ie. crazy) to even let these thoughts invade my mind.

 Once my eyes met his, it all just ... dissolved. Strange, I thought. How easily I could find him at that crowded subway station.

His birthday is tomorrow and I am really worried. I made something but I don't know whether he'll like it. Every stitch and measurement was done and sometimes re-done until I think it is perfect. Even then, some part of me doubts that it is. I shall persevere even if it means burning the midnight oil. Friday. :)

  

I will running my first race in a very long time this afternoon. Even though I know that I should not hold any expectations on my performance, I just can't help but feel the jitters. Stomach churning, excitement as well as anxiety brewing within me and the heavy breathing as I hone my breathing technique before all races are some of the things I subconsciously do when no one is looking. My legs are itching to go while my body seemed to be in inertia, insisting that competitive days are over and that I should rest, especially when I have been coughing and sneezing for the past week. 

Looking at the picture above made me reminisce those fun (and painful) days of being a competitive runner. I loved the adrenaline rush of running fast and just pushing myself to the limit. Feeling the exhaustion seep into one's body and the energy sapped out of one's arms and legs is an awesome feeling to have. All because I know that I was courageous enough to risk going beyond that physical and psychological boundary I initially thought was impossible. 

So. Note to self. Go and grab that feeling again as you have nothing to lose. 

Run Meg Run.

All that running around and late nights doing those reports has taken a toll on my health. I thought my immune system was omnipotent as falling sick is a rarity for me. Plagued with a cough and blocked nose every day, I just realized that I am human after all.

Pardon me for digressing but I have always pondered about this issue.

The human body. 

Is it an empty vessel where the soul park his/her soul during their time on Earth?

Or are these two inseparable from one another?

One quote that got me thinking was from the novel Eleven Minutes written by Paulo Coelho. In one diary entry of Maria's, the protagonist in the story who is a native Brazilian girl who in a bid to achieve her dreams of traveling around the world to feed her desire for worldly knowledge ended up working as a prostitute in the land of high-quality watches and chocolates called Switzerland, a sentence uttered by her piqued my interest.

"I'm not a body with a soul, I'm a soul that has a visible part called the body."

My interpretation of this statement is that the body is just a repository and inanimate object allowing the soul to live. My parents has always preached to me, "Your soul will live on even though your body is rotten and decomposed as it is the essence of who you are." 

However, it seems like mine is a confused being. I ask so many questions. Some get answered albeit in a vague manner, some were just left conveniently unanswered. Knowledge is an extremely powerful thing to possess. Acting like a double-edged sword, it empowers as well as isolates a person. The common adage some people use is "Ignorance is bliss". But is it really that simple? Doesn't showing nonchalance to things that makes one uncomfortable just a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from hurt and pain? Self-deception. 

Soul. Body. Confidence. 

These are the three essential elements to survive in this world. Each reinforces the other so strongly that I call them the triplets of life. At least, it applies for my life. If I need to do something which I have to but do not want to such as attending a party when I am not feeling well, I use the Body and Confidence while keeping the Soul in the bedroom. When I am competing or mugging for an important exam, if all three elements are utilized, success is assured. 

Love. 

Now that is a tricky subject. 

Risk is part and parcel of it.
Right?

Sheela Bakery.

Muesli with curd.

Three Brothers Cyber Cafe.

Dilapidated motorcycle.

Two.

I want those things again.

Having just read a letter from an old friend from Germany (even though it was a tagged letter on Facebook) on how happy she is with marriage life, I was hit by a bout of nostalgia especially remembering those talks we had about career, relationships and life in general. Connie was her name and secretly, I wished that I had a sister just like her as she was/is the most dedicated and smartest lady I've known with a heart of gold. Never did she fail to send us Christmas gifts nor little notes to remind us that she thinks of us despite her busy schedule. Silly as it may seem, like how a little sister emulates her elder sister's actions and behaviour, I aspire to be like her too. :)

Good things are happening to me now. I must be thankful to God for allowing me to be happy again. In fact, I am filled with gratitude for having the support of close ones pulling me back on my feet when I trip over them (sad to say that it happens frequently). Upon much reflection, I had always been negative about my ability in most things. School, running, my capability to make others happy and as ironic as it may sound, my self-confidence. Mum often tells me to be modest and not get fame or recognition get to my head. I mistook it for always being negative about my talent or intelligence. Whichever bothers me first. That negativity transcended my love life and resulted in a heart that was always guarded. Guarded with a heavy metal door bolted shut and further protected with barbed wire to sting those who tried to get near.

You may think. Cheesy. Corny. OTT (abbreviation for Over-The-Top as invented by a friend). Well, I do think that way as well. Nevertheless, I feel liberated as I slowly and hesitantly unlock the bolts one by one.

'Nuff said.

I was teetering on the edge of an abyss of confusion and possibly even despair but fortunately, I managed to be saved my knight in shining armor yet again. It was cathartic to be transparent and not have any secrets between one another. It was a huge relief then when the feeling is mutual. I have learned that even though obstacles lay before us and as menacing as they may be, I feel comforted to know that I will have that push of encouragement from the back from him, who will not judge me nor give an exasperated look when my insecurities surface.

Carpe diem.

 

Serendipity (n)

Dictionary.com's definition: 

(i) an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident 

(ii) good fortune;luck

Synonyms: blessing, happenstance, happy chance, luck, lucky break

Memorable Quotes from Serendipity (2001) 

Jonathan: This is the ultimate blend to drink. How'd you find this place?

Sara: I first came in because of the name: Serendipity. It's one of my favorite words.

Jonathan: It is? Why?

Sara: It's such a nice sounding word for what it means: a fortunate accident. 

You will never know what you'll find in a treasure trove. Definition of a treasure trove too differs from person to person. My idea of a treasure trove is an attic where I can find a myriad of old diaries with yellowed and dog-eared pages together with boxes filled with vintage dresses and ornate jewelery. And this can only happen if I were to be struck by the god of Serendipity. 

It may be silly to be thinking that good things will never happen to me again. The idiom "none the wiser" is really apt in this situation. Skepticism and maturity are inversely proportional to one another as we age. However, a healthy dose of the former is no doubt beneficial as a self-defense mechanism but I have always wondered. How much is considered 'healthy' anyway? Things falling into place so nicely, appropriate music playing at the right time, chancing on picturesque places when we least expected it. It seems like I am in a snow globe and everything is just so .... perfect. 

Should I then try to even explain this phenomenon? I racked my brain for a scientific reason behind all these 'perfectness' but it was to no avail. Is this what they call, being in the right place at the right time? Nevertheless, the aftermath of this serendipity is a sense of security and happiness that envelops me each day and night. I've resolved to not think too much about it and just enjoy it while I still can. It is still in the infancy stage and we will never know what lies before us but I am contented that I don't have to walk down the path alone anymore.

Stranger no more?

Finally.

I might have just found my piece of happiness.

You girls rock my world.

I know I shouldn't be affected by all the negativity and be brought down by the disappointment that taunts me ever so often. However, there are even times where I feel like that hard shell of supposed 'happiness' portrayed will crack into a million pieces, leaving me vulnerable and helpless fending for myself against all the hidden enemy that refused to show itself. 

While having a nice chat at a (very) nice cafe over some drinks and mushrooms (not magic mushrooms, in case your eyebrows were raised in shock), the topic we touched on was why do we fall for the same type of people who always make us miserable. There is always a trend on the people we end up with and I myself preach to my bestie of her inclination towards a certain type of boys. Little did I know that I myself am a victim of it as well. 

I like helping people in need. It makes me happy when others smile because of the things I do for them. Although it is short-term happiness, it is better than having nothing at all. 

But.

What about mine?

I don't want you to see me. And I don't want to see you. Not now anyway. 

I want to reply yet my mind is a blank slate. 

Writer's block? No. More like numbness.

Does it pleasure you to hurt me this bad?