さよなら２０１０年；お正月おめでとう！

New Year's Eve.

I can safely say that 2010 was not the year for me in terms of sports and matters of the heart. I took a 6 month hiatus from sports due to my half a year internship and honestly, getting it all back was terribly hard. However, I did the best that I could during that short span of time and I am glad I did not give up even though it was terribly painful. Especially when you were nursing a broken heart and struggling to catch up in the academia arena. Barren as the meadow may have become at that moment, with much needed water, sunlight and love from friends and family, my favourite flowers bloomed once again. White daisies, pink tulips, red roses with a spattering of daffodils swaying softly as the wind blows gently made me feel motivated to pick myself up again.

Indian summer. Meeting someone who is of the same frequency at an unexpected place and knowing each other personally for only 3 solid days sounds absurd. But without a doubt, exhilarating. I still reminisce of the fun we had together but again, it is time to move on. Futility in waiting as it only makes me miserable.

Unlike an undercover agent who is on a mission, I am on a mission to re-connect with old friends whom I have neglected and make new friends to surround myself with all the emotions available in the world. Being alone for quite some time, I forgot how it felt like to have many around me instead of only one. The multitude of emotions envelops me every day. Surprisingly, it comforts me as its presence means I am not alone. Now I know why geriatrics fear being alone, being sick alone, dying alone. I strive to be like my grandmother, who surrounds herself with her friends, acquaintances and family daily after my grandfather passed on, and keeps herself occupied with ikebana, dancing, theatre acting classes and whatever activities available at the community club she frequents. She's awesome.

Thank you 2010. I have learnt much from you. Now, cheers to 2011, success in my career search and to long-lasting friendships/companionship I'll treasure always.

Christmas 2010

Today is Boxing day.

Wow. What a Christmas it has been for me. Ever since I've decided to not wallow in self-pity and wait endlessly for that phone call which never came, I feel liberated. The company of close ones do have a healing power no magical spell can surpass.

It has been ages since I last played with sparklers and I did on Christmas Eve! I was so eager to play with it that I threw away any ounce of embarrassment I possessed and took off my pair of mustard coloured suede heels and walked barefoot. Why, one can't expect me to wear heels on the rocks by the river right. Besides, it felt refreshing to walk on the rough cemented pavement. Total foot massage. Unfortunately, we did not manage to create the mini-bomb that we were planning to make as the lighter ran out of gas. Haha. Such an extremely anti-climax moment there. Little Fockers was disappointing but I guess the fact that I was already tired by then may have clouded my judgment. Christmas is not special without presents so I managed to make one happy by giving one to a new friend right after midnight! Yay! Happy. :)

On Christmas day itself, I met up with old girlfriends whom I thought would still be mad at me for being so MIA for the past 3 years. To my surprise, they took my apology really well and gosh, how I love them! Seriously, I have never laughed so much (and loudly) for so long. It was really awesome to see them once again. :) Furthermore, a fall-out with one member of the group and after the brunch date, meeting up with that member made me realize how powerful and disastrous ambition can be to the mind. It may just lead one to throw away friendships lasting a decade, claiming that they will stain their path to success. I felt really sad when I realized that under all that ambiguity she was portraying in her sentences, the previous sentence was what she really meant. Friends, no matter how simple-minded they are, have their own self-worth and one has no right to demean that. I have never felt that way towards them and I hope I never will as they are too special to me.

Love is in the air this Christmas. Especially for my bestie. I am extremely happy for her as whenever she speaks of that special someone in her life, her smile is so radiant that she looks like a blushing bride even with a healing scar on her neck after an operation.

What about me, you ask? Well, I do wish I have that special someone whom I know I can spend the rest of my life with but special people are around me now whom I care about and I know they care about me too. I cannot ask for more and instead just pray for their happiness always. :)

Pampering the windows of my soul

On this rainy night, I felt like indulging myself with pretty things so as to keep the blues away.

1. Pretty vintage swimsuit

2. Pretty rompers/sneakers/sandals combination

 

Zara lookbook march/april 2010

 3. Pretty and cute dresses/outfits

Knock-off from Miu Miu

4. Pretty wallpaper

5. Pretty haute couture

6. Pretty cleopatra-inspired outfits

 

Chanel Pre-Fall Collection 2010, paris byzance

Chanel Pre-Fall Collection 2010, paris byzance

7. Pretty and quirky interior designs

Dream kitchen!

Awesome mirror and wall candles!

Dining table plus chalkboard walls!

8. Pretty bike sets

9. DIY Craftworks

Paper-stitched cards

Alchemy book-ends

Custom-made packaging for bread shops

Magnetic chalkboard mirror

10. Friends

A Sparkly Strawberry Christmas!

Finally, I feel at ease. Creating something from scratch and trying to make it perfect with sprinkles of colours and choco bears so as to cheer my bestie, Erika, up when she is feeling under the weather made me realize how much I missed baking. Previously, I have always baked for (ex) boyfriends. It is after all, an act of normality for girlfriends to show off their superior baking skills to their boyfriends (and threaten to leave him if he thinks otherwise). In the end, it is sad fact that girls always aim to please to eventually get back-stabbed in the end.

So I have decided that enough of that. All these while I have been thinking of only myself and pushing away people who really cares about me. Of old friends re-connected and new friends to be made, my heart tingles with anticipation. Thanks love, for sticking it with me through this.

My Own Concoction of Fairytales

Happy Ending

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever.

To live the rest of our life,

But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life

Can't get no love without sacrifice

If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well

A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told

No hope, no love, no glory

Happy endings gone forever more

I feel as if I'm wasted

And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever.

Then live the rest of our life,

But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind

Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around

If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to

my sleep

I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told

No hope, no love, no glory

Happy endings gone forever more

I feel as if I'm wasted

And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever.

Then live the rest of our life,

But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love

Little bit of love, little bit of love[repeat]

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever.

To live the rest of our life,

But not together.

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever.

To live the rest of our life,

But not together.

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFkSMHle8-M&feature=BF&list=FL102UbEccEGE&index=1

That is why I am making my own Happy Ending.

I am too fat. I feel like s*** today. Not a bad hair day again! I hate my chubby cheeks. I wish I can be prettier like (.....).

Sounds familiar?

I guess I am not the only girl who feels this way. Even the most confident girl must have faced some inferiority complex at one moment in time of her life. Is it normal then to feel so ... inadequate?

Perfection is what we strive for. But we do not always get it. Girls are so caught up with what people think of them that they get really paranoid and do all sorts of nonsensical stuff such as exercising excessively, dieting to the point of starvation, bulimia, anorexia etc. You name it, we did it (well at least one of it). However, the satisfaction is always short-lived. Why, the convoluted thoughts will manifest in itself and magnify each and every one of her faults to a unconscionable extent, worsening the physical damage upon herself.

WHY DO WE EVEN BOTHER.

Credits to Maggie Harrison

My dear friend out there; You are beautiful just the way you are.

Of kinship & dreams

Ali Cavanaugh - Falling Through Your Redolence

I guess whenever one feels under the weather, they tend to dream more in slumber. Unfortunately, it tends to be more horrifying rather than those cotton-candy dreams that can cause one to suffer from cavities. Fortunately for me, I do not have a habit of remembering them. So waking up in cold sweat in the middle of a rainstorm in the dark and realizing I was all alone at home should have made me scared. On the contrary, I was comforted. It is during this solitude that bad memories are evaluated and good memories are savoured.

Something rare happened tonight. My brother and I had a good two hour long chat about numerology, past relationships and our future paths in life. Astrology was so entrenched in the conversation that the feeling was akin to that of being in the same tent as a fortune teller. Gemini and Aries talk aside, I realized how much calmer and wiser he has become. He seems to be armed with this newfound worldliness within him that was absent before. In many ways than one, he has taught me various things about life and myself that I never knew existed. In other words (though I have never mentioned it), thank you for being the voice of reason and all the seeds of knowledge you have embedded in me. No matter how much my stubbornness consumes me, I will still remember how much he cares such as the time when instead of choosing to walk and playing with his friends, he boarded the school bus again to accompany his crying little sister home during her first day of primary school. :)

The horror leading to my heartache.

17 Rhinos killed in South Africa and Mozambique

HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO THOUGHTLESS? Those syndicates selling rhino horns deserve to DIE. Especially now with China boosting its popularity of TCM, which leads to the demand for rhino horns as apparently it is an indispensable 'condiment' in their concoction to heal human beings through consumption of their medicine. How ironic is that? Kill a life (or more lives as I figured it may take more than 1 rhino horn to concoct the remedy) just to save another. An innocent one at that.

Here's a few important statements from the article itself:

"Research conducted by the wildlife trade monitoring network TRAFFIC found that most rhino horns leaving South Africa are being smuggled to China and Vietnam.

It has been noted that the spreading Chinese footprint has placed the demand for rhino horn perilously close to the supply, and counter poaching reports have also linked the increase in rhino and elephant killings to a flood of Chinese weapons in Southern Africa.

There are concerns that a state-funded 2008 rhino horn research proposal from China served as one of the catalysts for the surge in rhino killings across Southern Africa by encouraging the use of rhino horn, and that the researchers are attempting to circumvent CITES research provisions by farming rhinos."


THE INJUSTICE.

Link: http://www.rhinoconservation.org/2010/11/18/17-rhinos-found-brutally-slaughtered-in-limpopo-south-africa-another-in-mozambique/

Spin my life around, I stand undaunted

Umbrellas.

Synonyms: Parasols, rainshades, sunshades, gamp, or bumbershoots

Do you know that the name umbrella is derived from the Latin word umbra, meaning shade or shadow? Or that brolly is a slang used in Britain, NZ, Australia and South Africa? Or that para means stop and sol means sun? Or that bumbershoot is just a fancy moniker due to the popularity of Americanism (though I think it should be called mushroom shoots instead)?

Back when I was doing my internship in Kaza, Himachal Pradesh, there was a building in Kaza 2 called Hotel Parasol. I'd always wondered why they called it as such. Why, there were no parasols around even when during the days when the wind is so cold yet the almighty sun is so scorching hot and the rays pierces through your 6 layers of wool and cotton garbs. Then I realized that it was not the presence of the parasols that matter. Once you enter the doors of the hotel, the warmth of the place and the smiles of the tenants soon wins you over. The people are the parasols.

Parasols are the similitude of us. Just as umbrellas provide weather protection, our mein protects us from undesirable situations as well as behaves as a defensive mechanism that can be operated on a whim. True, there can be cheap $2 ones sold at Daiso or those sold at exorbitant prices at branded stores but ultimately, it serves the same purpose - to protect. What defines its longevity is its craftmanship, just like how we hone our skills to hide our true feelings from others.

I will be like this bumbershoot one day instead of the one above. Twirling and twirling happily in the sky. 

Transformed Raven

http://www.iandanielsart.com

This painting from ian daniel, an artist and illustrator known for gothic art amongst others, just encapsulates my life right now. Lucky Raven. At least the Raven received a new lease of life. Some don't.

After my uncle's sudden passing on due to a work accident 40 days ago, I have been thinking about death. Do the souls of the dead know that they are gone from this world, especially when it was due to mischance? Who made the distinction between this and that world anyway? Aren't we ultimately one or another at different periods of time in our lives? Or are we not?

Anguish - please disappear. i want nothing to do with you no more.

to stand on my own once again

Waiting just drains you out.

Darn. Why do I even bother.

I bet it never once occurred that I savour every single memory every night like it never left. I want to keep it fresh. I need to keep it fresh.

Is this how Alzheimer patients feel? Wretched thief robbing them of their precious memories, yet helpless to do anything about it; watching it slip through their wrinkled fingers no matter how hard they strain their frail fingers together to keep it in.

Perfectly fine, I said. Swell, I beamed.

Who am I kidding. Deception is after all how you win a war.